Give, Not Take

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 - The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

In one of the most beloved short stories ever written, O. Henry tells of a young married couple, Della and Jim, who are desperately poor and deeply in love. Christmas is coming, and each longs to buy the other a gift worthy of their love. But Della has only $1.87. Between them they own only two things of any real value: Jim's gold pocket watch, handed down from his father and grandfather, and Della's long, beautiful hair, which falls below her knees. So on Christmas Eve, Della sells her hair to buy Jim a platinum chain for his treasured watch. And Jim, that very same day, sells his watch to buy Della the beautiful jeweled combs she always wanted for her hair. They come home to each other holding two gifts that can no longer be used. But in giving up what each treasured most for the sake of the other, they reveal just how deeply they love one another.

That’s a good example of the strange arithmetic of love. Love doesn’t calculate, it gives. And it’s exactly the arithmetic Paul uses in our passage today. Look closely at the verb he chooses in verse 3. The husband is to give to his wife, and the wife to her husband. The word is give. It is never take, and it is never demand. Then in verse 4 Paul says something that would have stopped his first readers cold. In their world a wife's body was simply assumed to belong to her husband, and no one thought twice about it. But Paul says it runs both directions: the husband's body belongs just as fully to his wife. Here are two people who have each handed themselves over to the other, a mutual belonging Corinth had never imagined.

And here’s where we have to be careful, because this passage has unfortunately been misused in church history. Verse 4 gets turned into a weapon: the Bible says my spouse owes me. But read Paul again, because that’s the exact opposite of what he wrote. He never once says a husband may demand his wife's body, or a wife her husband's. He says neither one should withhold. Do you see the difference? This isn’t a right you get to seize, but a gift you get to give. The whole posture Paul describes trades “you owe me” for “I am yours.” A husband who uses this verse to pressure his wife has turned a gift into a debt and missed its heart entirely.

Paul gives just one reason to press pause on this gift: prayer. A couple can set intimacy aside for a season, but only by agreement, together, and only to give themselves to seeking God. Then, he says, come back together, because he knows a marriage starved of intimacy is a marriage left exposed to temptation.

And let’s not miss where all of this is coming from. This mutual self-giving is far more than good marriage advice; it’s the very shape of the gospel. On the night before he died, Jesus took bread and said, “This is my body, given for you.” He didn’t cling to what was His, but handed Himself over for the good of His bride, the Church. So when a husband and wife give themselves to each other freely and gladly, without demanding, they’re actually doing more than staying married. They’re putting the gospel on display in skin and bone.

This is part of what it looks like to be a Surrendered Servant, someone who has stopped asking what they can get and started asking what they can give. It’s the hardest and most beautiful thing marriage asks of us, and it’s only possible for one reason. We can hand ourselves over to another person because Someone first handed Himself over to us. Your body, your preferences, and your comfort, laid down for the good of the one you married, is a small and daily echo of the cross.

Today: This one is for the married especially. Sometime in the next day or two, do one concrete thing purely for your spouse's good, with no scorekeeping and no expectation of anything back. It might be a chore they dread, an unhurried hour of your attention, a word of honor spoken out loud, or simply asking, “How can I love you well today?” and then actually doing what they say. If you’re single, the same faith muscle grows in every close relationship you have: pick one person this week and give to them without keeping the ledger.

Prayer: “I praise you, Jesus, for Your love that gave itself away. Thank You for offering Your body for me, which was the means of my salvation. Teach me to stop keeping score and start giving myself, the way You did. Amen.”

-PK